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Just before Easter, i received an unexpected card in the mail from Grandma.  I thought she had given up writing to me, but i guess that doesn’t preclude the mandatory Resurrection Day card.  (Or, as my brother calls it, Zombie Jesus Day.  Because, after all, every other creature that has risen from the dead is referred to as a zombie.  It’s a good point!)

Grandma did not make much attempt at conversation, which is consistent with her earlier letters.  It was a card that repeated the notion that even though i don’t believe, i am saved because i was saved as a child, so she hopes i will accept jesus as my savior.  Which doesn’t really make sense to me.

There were two enclosures.  One is the picture shown here.  The other was a daily bible study article about Thomas Time.

I, like everyone else, was extremely thrilled that the plane landed safely and no lives were lost.  I give full credit to the captain and crew.  It’s ridiculous to me that god would have safely landed this plane, but lets others crash, and lets other atrocities occur.  I know, i know, i can’t comprehend all of god’s purpose, and he doesn’t make bad things happen but he allows them to happen.  Might he not also allow good things to happen, without directly intervening himself?

The Thomas Time excerpt is a story about a man who, like me, was raised in a godly home, but turns away from god and is struggling with unbelief.  Someone suggests to him that he is in the Thomas Time of his life.  Thomas was an apostle who did not believe the news that jesus rose from the dead.  That is, until jesus appeared to him a few days after the event, showed Thomas the scars, and let Thomas touch him.  If jesus wants to appear to me, or if he wants to, say, heal an amputee, i’m sure i, like Thomas, will become a believer once again.  But jesus doesn’t do that stuff anymore.

I’m not going to respond to Grandma’s letter.  I already know that if she doesn’t hear what she wants to hear, she’s going to quit writing to me again anyway.  And i also already know that she doesn’t want the same things out of a correspondence that i would want.  I want a relationship.  She wants me to believe in the Tooth Fairy.

That was the question my grandmother was faced with.  And even though she told me she would no longer write letters to me about my salvation, she must have decided that christmas gifts were still fair game - she gave me a DVD called The Case for Christ.

Lance and i watched it over the winter break.  I wasn’t sure what to expect.  At the beginning, i thought it might actually be an attempt at a serious film.  Lee Strobel is a former atheist and former journalist, who studied the issue independently and came to the conclusion that a) god exists, b) the bible is the word of said god and c) jesus is the son of said god.

However, it quickly became apparent that there wasn’t any real rigorous research here.  Strobel presents people he calls “expert witnesses” to report the evidence.  These expert witnesses were all, without exception, professors at biblical colleges and divinity schools, or leaders of religious organizations.  There was not a single opinion or point of view that would challenge the conclusions Strobel is trying to make.  This film will not do anything but reinforce your already-held beliefs, whatever they may be.

Aside from that glaring omission from what Strobel claims is journalistic-style reporting, there are also many problems with his logic.  Much of the evidence he gives is merely circumstantial.  This film pretends to be a scientific look at the evidence, but it is nothing of the kind.

It is extremely bizarre to me that in one hand we have Lee Strobel creating a 90 minute video proving that Jesus is the son of god.  In the other hand we have a group of scientists working on the Jesus Project.  Their current question is not whether Jesus is divine; they are researching whether there is evidence that Jesus existed at all.  Quite a difference.

I heard from Grandma again this week. I have been anxious in the past weeks because my last letter was a bit more opinionated, and i wondered how it would be received. My first letter was basically just a diplomatic statement that we disagreed and i wanted to be left alone.

My last letter said:

• a lot of general news about life in Raleigh (fully half of my letter)
• i do not believe in miracles
• any god should be held accountable for the bad things that happen if he gets credit for the good things
• my not believing in her god is like her not believing in Zues
• i don’t believe in hell, b/c i don’t think a loving god would create a lot of people knowing that most of them would have to burn in hell forever

So, um - less diplomatic.

Grandma of course has not faltered in her faith, and that’s fine by me. Grandma’s response said:

• absolutely nothing regarding anything i’d said about my life
• god is in control of everything, but it’s ok for bad things to happen b/c god provided a way of escape through jesus
• those who’ve never heard of jesus will be judged by the 10 commandments and by their conscience
• i can’t escape the plan god has for me b/c he claimed me when i was a child
• she will not be writing to me anymore about my salvation

I have mixed reactions. I don’t want to be harrassed about my “salvation,” and i am hopeful that this means i won’t be harrassed further when i’m spending time with her in person over the holidays. But mostly i am sad. Why doesn’t she want to write anymore? I was happy at the chance to know my Grandma again. She seemed excited about it also, and said so in her third letter, so why the change of heart? Is it uncomfortable to face hard questions? She had answers for all of them, so that can’t be it. Maybe she doesn’t want to have relationships in her life with people who are sinners? I don’t know the answer, but it feels like i’m being rejected.

I thought we were getting somewhere, but i guess it wasn’t what she’d hoped for, so she’s quitting. I suppose now i’ll go back to smiling politely and ignoring the religion issue when possible, and we won’t have any more real conversations about it. When she wrote to me, she wasn’t trying to know me; she just wanted to evangelize me.

I’d hoped for more. I knew i was deluding myself, but i did - i hoped for more.

Grandma wrote me back!

Lance came in with the mail, and excitedly handed me the letter from another Audrey (i was named after my grandmother). I held it nervously, and was suddenly afraid. Physically, i was showing the symptoms of fear (like when i drive over a bridge). Why? It’s just a letter. But for some reason, i feared the judgment i felt sure lay within.

As i opened and read it, i realized i had nothing to fear. She’s just a grandma, and MY grandma at that. She loves me, and reassured me of that fact. She also said she really had no impression of me as being someone who only get her kicks at bars and nightclubs. She also expressed a delight in the fact that we were conversing at all, even if we were disagreeing, saying we haven’t talked this much in years. Which is basically true. There was a little more of the preaching, and quite a few bits of anecdotal “evidence” of how god has answered her prayers. But overall it was a pleasant letter.

I think this correspondence will continue. I certainly plan to write back, and perhaps, if she also continues to write to me, we can regain something of the bond we had when we were both younger. I am her oldest grandchild, her namesake, and we did have a special grandmother/granddaughter understanding. For a few years in elementary and middle school, i would ride the bus to her house after school. She would inevitably be napping, and i would sneak into her room and lie down next to her, and we would talk. Then we would get up and she would treat me to a slice of her splendid sourdough bread, topped with jelly. Eventually my brothers also started coming to Grandma’s after school, and i remember wishing they would go away and i could have her to myself again.

Grandma also took me to my piano lessons once a week. When i was ten, she got the notion that i should learn to drive. We would leave early for piano lessons, and on the back roads near the teacher’s home, she would let me drive her big banana-colored Cadillac. I could barely reach the pedals and couldn’t really see over the wheel of that huge car! Once instance, i remember fondly. “Now Audrey, pretend there is an egg underneath the brake. Press gently on the brake, you don’t want to break the egg. I said DON’T BREAK THE EGG!!!” After the car came to a very sudden halt, i said “Grandma, i think there’s egg on your floor.” And we both dissolved in laughter.

She loved horses, and wanted me to learn to ride. I had some experience with horseback riding from summer camp, but she wanted me to learn real riding. When she was young, Grandma had ridden a lot, and she has many stories about those days. To teach me, she had some friends who owned horses, and i learned how to ride and how to steer on my own - these horses would do what you told them, and weren’t just follow-the-leader horses. Once in a large pasture she said, “OK Audrey, now we’re going to gallop.” With terror in my voice, i replied, “But Grandma, i don’t WANT to gallop!!” Her response was to grab my reins and kick her horse. All i could do was hold on. When it was over, i agreed it was thrilling, but declined to do that again.

All these memories and more, i cherish. We can’t go back to that innocent time, but my hope now is that we can get to know one another again.

This time, it’s not my birthday or Christmas or Easter… i think she just sent me the letter without an occassion. I suppose the occassion might be The Saving of Audrey’s Soul.

It’s not quite as crazy as the last letter. It’s full of evalengelical stuff, sure, but it’s not signed from God or anything. She did include a helpful pamphlet titled “Running From God?”

Are you running from God? The reason i ask is because I ran from God for the first 22 years of my life. I grew up in a Christian home… I knew about Jesus Christ, but i did not have a personal relationship with him…

As i think back on those years of running from God, there were several excuses I had for not giving my life to Him. Perhaps you are using the same excuses i had. I thought being a Christian was boring. I wanted to have fun. Christians, in my mind, were people who had decided to live a life that was devoid of excitement. I thought real excitement was found in bars and nightclubs, and for a number of years I looked for my fun in those places…

Another excuse I used for running from God was that i was too young to give my life to Christ. I wanted to enjoy my youth and thought I might give my life to God when I was old.

So, this is what my grandmother thinks of me! I can understand a bit why she is trying so hard to save me:

1. She thinks I hang out in bars and nightclubs. While i have nothing against bars or nightclubs, i can sympathize with my grandmother’s impression that the godless do nothing but drink and stay out late and generally lead hell-raising lives. I mean, what else do we have to do? Of course she would want to save me from that.
2. She thinks i can be saved. If she thinks i am running from God, then it implies i think there is something to run from. I think if she really and truly understood that i don’t believe there is anything at all, she might stop trying.

So, i’m going to correct her misimpressions and write a response this time. I almost wrote to her after my initial birthday letter from God, but figured it might all go away if i ignored it. But this time i’m in the mood to stir things up. I will post again if i get a response from her.

I received a birthday card from my grandmother. Inside the card was a letter. It was a piece of stationary with small writing on both sides - fairly lengthy. Here is the final paragraph.

I pray, before your next birthday - before your next breath - you will turn from your self-willed life to surrender to the Power of the Holy Spirit and run to Him. God will run to you, with arms wide open & say ‘Go, prepare a party, let’s all celebrate. My daughter who was dead is now alive. She once was lost & now she’s found, & I have received her back home safe & sound. She’s forever my child!

Love, Forever,
God

Several things disturb me about this letter.

1) Notice, the letter was signed as from GOD. Grandma had a postscript that said God used her hands and pen to write this letter. Isn’t this a little presumptuous? What is to stop anyone from writing whatever they want and saying “God wrote that.” Oh wait, people do it all the time and that’s a large reason why there is war in the world, because of people’s conflicting ideas about god.

2) In the paragraph above, it implies god thinks i am dead if i do not do what she suggests. For some reason that bothers me. Like, she thinks i am not a real person.

3) At one point in the letter she reminds me that when i was a child i believed in jesus. She (or i guess, god) implied i betrayed my child self by no longer believing. Children believe what they are told by the people that they trust. Of course i believed then.

I’m not sure how, or if, to respond. Part of me really wants to open a dialog about this, but the other part of me knows it’s not possible to have a real conversation. How can we? What i want is to be loved and respected by my family for who i am. What they want is for me to be something i’m not.