AudreyPodrey.com

I encountered an article from Time magazine discussing when and if parents in America are talking to their children about sex.

By the end of the study, more than half of the parents reported that they had not discussed 14 of the 24 sex-related topics by the time their adolescents had begun genital touching or oral sex with partners. Forty-two percent of girls reported that they had not discussed the effectiveness of birth control and 40% admitted they had not talked with their parents about how to refuse sex before engaging in genital touching. Nearly 70% of boys said they had not discussed how to use a condom or other birth-control methods with their parents before having intercourse. Yet only half of the boys’ parents, by contrast, said they had not discussed condom use or birth control with their sons.

That difference highlights a primary problem in the parent-child dialogue about sex. “A lot of parents think they had a conversation, and the kids don’t remember it at all,” says Dr. Karen Soren, director of adolescent medicine at New York Presbyterian Morgan Stanley Children’s Hospital. “Parents sometimes say things more vaguely because they are uncomfortable and they think they’ve addressed something, but the kids don’t hear the topic at all.”

One thing this highlights is that sex should be an ongoing topic in order for things to sink in, not just one or two instances of The Talk.  The conversations will naturally change as the children get older and start thinking about it differently.

I remember two specific “sex” conversations with my parents.

1. When i got my period at age 13, my mom talked with me about what was happening in my body.  I had some basic knowledge already, from 6th grade biology and gym class sex education.  She alluded to the fact that now i could have babies, but that’s the closest we got to actually talking about sex itself.
2. When i started dating, my dad had a conversation with me about how to injure a guy who was trying to take advantage of me.  In case you’re wondering, nose, throat, eyes and groin are all very vulnerable places.  Hit them in one of those places and you have time to extract yourself.

Actually, i am quite sure that both of those conversations included discussions of waiting to have sex.  I don’t specifically remember those parts of the conversation (i remember the part about gouging my boyfriend’s eyes out), but they were there.  It was an assumption throughout my upbringing that you do not have sex until marriage because that’s not part of God’s plan.

Birth control was never discussed - i learned about that at school and from my friends.  Some girls were on the pill because they had bad acne and it helped.  Others were on the pill because it helped with really bad cramps.  I found myself being jealous of serious acne and bad cramps when i became sexually active at 16.  I wanted to be responsible, but i was terrified of telling my parents because sex was simply not allowed.   So i relied on condoms until i went to college, where i promptly went to the student clinic and got a prescription, desperately hoping that my parents didn’t receive an itemized bill of services rendered.

Often i wonder what would have happened if i had been open about it.  There likely would have been lectures about abstinence and the sacredness of marriage.  Would my dating privileges have been curtailed?  Would they have done the prudent thing and let me get birth control?  Or would they hope that a close watch and the risk of pregnancy would be enough of a deterrent?

Sex is a weird thing.  Everyone is doing it, yet it’s also private.  I can recognize that it would be a tough thing to have it be an open topic and yet also try to deter your kids from engaging in it too soon.  I thought the article was interesting, though, putting real numbers on the effect of talking about it with your kids.

That was the question my grandmother was faced with.  And even though she told me she would no longer write letters to me about my salvation, she must have decided that christmas gifts were still fair game - she gave me a DVD called The Case for Christ.

Lance and i watched it over the winter break.  I wasn’t sure what to expect.  At the beginning, i thought it might actually be an attempt at a serious film.  Lee Strobel is a former atheist and former journalist, who studied the issue independently and came to the conclusion that a) god exists, b) the bible is the word of said god and c) jesus is the son of said god.

However, it quickly became apparent that there wasn’t any real rigorous research here.  Strobel presents people he calls “expert witnesses” to report the evidence.  These expert witnesses were all, without exception, professors at biblical colleges and divinity schools, or leaders of religious organizations.  There was not a single opinion or point of view that would challenge the conclusions Strobel is trying to make.  This film will not do anything but reinforce your already-held beliefs, whatever they may be.

Aside from that glaring omission from what Strobel claims is journalistic-style reporting, there are also many problems with his logic.  Much of the evidence he gives is merely circumstantial.  This film pretends to be a scientific look at the evidence, but it is nothing of the kind.

It is extremely bizarre to me that in one hand we have Lee Strobel creating a 90 minute video proving that Jesus is the son of god.  In the other hand we have a group of scientists working on the Jesus Project.  Their current question is not whether Jesus is divine; they are researching whether there is evidence that Jesus existed at all.  Quite a difference.

I heard from Grandma again this week. I have been anxious in the past weeks because my last letter was a bit more opinionated, and i wondered how it would be received. My first letter was basically just a diplomatic statement that we disagreed and i wanted to be left alone.

My last letter said:

• a lot of general news about life in Raleigh (fully half of my letter)
• i do not believe in miracles
• any god should be held accountable for the bad things that happen if he gets credit for the good things
• my not believing in her god is like her not believing in Zues
• i don’t believe in hell, b/c i don’t think a loving god would create a lot of people knowing that most of them would have to burn in hell forever

So, um - less diplomatic.

Grandma of course has not faltered in her faith, and that’s fine by me. Grandma’s response said:

• absolutely nothing regarding anything i’d said about my life
• god is in control of everything, but it’s ok for bad things to happen b/c god provided a way of escape through jesus
• those who’ve never heard of jesus will be judged by the 10 commandments and by their conscience
• i can’t escape the plan god has for me b/c he claimed me when i was a child
• she will not be writing to me anymore about my salvation

I have mixed reactions. I don’t want to be harrassed about my “salvation,” and i am hopeful that this means i won’t be harrassed further when i’m spending time with her in person over the holidays. But mostly i am sad. Why doesn’t she want to write anymore? I was happy at the chance to know my Grandma again. She seemed excited about it also, and said so in her third letter, so why the change of heart? Is it uncomfortable to face hard questions? She had answers for all of them, so that can’t be it. Maybe she doesn’t want to have relationships in her life with people who are sinners? I don’t know the answer, but it feels like i’m being rejected.

I thought we were getting somewhere, but i guess it wasn’t what she’d hoped for, so she’s quitting. I suppose now i’ll go back to smiling politely and ignoring the religion issue when possible, and we won’t have any more real conversations about it. When she wrote to me, she wasn’t trying to know me; she just wanted to evangelize me.

I’d hoped for more. I knew i was deluding myself, but i did - i hoped for more.

Grandma wrote me back!

Lance came in with the mail, and excitedly handed me the letter from another Audrey (i was named after my grandmother). I held it nervously, and was suddenly afraid. Physically, i was showing the symptoms of fear (like when i drive over a bridge). Why? It’s just a letter. But for some reason, i feared the judgment i felt sure lay within.

As i opened and read it, i realized i had nothing to fear. She’s just a grandma, and MY grandma at that. She loves me, and reassured me of that fact. She also said she really had no impression of me as being someone who only get her kicks at bars and nightclubs. She also expressed a delight in the fact that we were conversing at all, even if we were disagreeing, saying we haven’t talked this much in years. Which is basically true. There was a little more of the preaching, and quite a few bits of anecdotal “evidence” of how god has answered her prayers. But overall it was a pleasant letter.

I think this correspondence will continue. I certainly plan to write back, and perhaps, if she also continues to write to me, we can regain something of the bond we had when we were both younger. I am her oldest grandchild, her namesake, and we did have a special grandmother/granddaughter understanding. For a few years in elementary and middle school, i would ride the bus to her house after school. She would inevitably be napping, and i would sneak into her room and lie down next to her, and we would talk. Then we would get up and she would treat me to a slice of her splendid sourdough bread, topped with jelly. Eventually my brothers also started coming to Grandma’s after school, and i remember wishing they would go away and i could have her to myself again.

Grandma also took me to my piano lessons once a week. When i was ten, she got the notion that i should learn to drive. We would leave early for piano lessons, and on the back roads near the teacher’s home, she would let me drive her big banana-colored Cadillac. I could barely reach the pedals and couldn’t really see over the wheel of that huge car! Once instance, i remember fondly. “Now Audrey, pretend there is an egg underneath the brake. Press gently on the brake, you don’t want to break the egg. I said DON’T BREAK THE EGG!!!” After the car came to a very sudden halt, i said “Grandma, i think there’s egg on your floor.” And we both dissolved in laughter.

She loved horses, and wanted me to learn to ride. I had some experience with horseback riding from summer camp, but she wanted me to learn real riding. When she was young, Grandma had ridden a lot, and she has many stories about those days. To teach me, she had some friends who owned horses, and i learned how to ride and how to steer on my own - these horses would do what you told them, and weren’t just follow-the-leader horses. Once in a large pasture she said, “OK Audrey, now we’re going to gallop.” With terror in my voice, i replied, “But Grandma, i don’t WANT to gallop!!” Her response was to grab my reins and kick her horse. All i could do was hold on. When it was over, i agreed it was thrilling, but declined to do that again.

All these memories and more, i cherish. We can’t go back to that innocent time, but my hope now is that we can get to know one another again.

This time, it’s not my birthday or Christmas or Easter… i think she just sent me the letter without an occassion. I suppose the occassion might be The Saving of Audrey’s Soul.

It’s not quite as crazy as the last letter. It’s full of evalengelical stuff, sure, but it’s not signed from God or anything. She did include a helpful pamphlet titled “Running From God?”

Are you running from God? The reason i ask is because I ran from God for the first 22 years of my life. I grew up in a Christian home… I knew about Jesus Christ, but i did not have a personal relationship with him…

As i think back on those years of running from God, there were several excuses I had for not giving my life to Him. Perhaps you are using the same excuses i had. I thought being a Christian was boring. I wanted to have fun. Christians, in my mind, were people who had decided to live a life that was devoid of excitement. I thought real excitement was found in bars and nightclubs, and for a number of years I looked for my fun in those places…

Another excuse I used for running from God was that i was too young to give my life to Christ. I wanted to enjoy my youth and thought I might give my life to God when I was old.

So, this is what my grandmother thinks of me! I can understand a bit why she is trying so hard to save me:

1. She thinks I hang out in bars and nightclubs. While i have nothing against bars or nightclubs, i can sympathize with my grandmother’s impression that the godless do nothing but drink and stay out late and generally lead hell-raising lives. I mean, what else do we have to do? Of course she would want to save me from that.
2. She thinks i can be saved. If she thinks i am running from God, then it implies i think there is something to run from. I think if she really and truly understood that i don’t believe there is anything at all, she might stop trying.

So, i’m going to correct her misimpressions and write a response this time. I almost wrote to her after my initial birthday letter from God, but figured it might all go away if i ignored it. But this time i’m in the mood to stir things up. I will post again if i get a response from her.

Day 3 of the family beach trip. It is absolutely marvelous.

There are 11 of us: Seven Shulls and four significant others. It is a merry group, and there is absolutely no expectations put on anyone. You want to sleep all day? No problem - no one wants to know where you are or insist you participate in any particular event. There is just a general acceptance and respect for the fact that this is everyone’s vacation.

The house is awesome. It’s got plenty of room to sleep everyone, and a spacious, open common area where everyone tends to congregate. There is also an ample deck, which faces the ocean and is shaded in the afternoon. It is extremely pleasant to just sit and feel the ocean wind on your face and listen to the waves. As the day progresses toward evening, you may even need a sweatshirt.

The beach itself is of course beautiful. It is a quarter mile walk from the house, maybe a little less. It’s not crowded, as we are past the peak season. The water is warm still, and even though there have been red flags posted, we can still wade in and get splashed by waves. Walking on the beach, searching for pretty shells, and exclaiming over the interesting creatures we find on the sand - all of these are things i have loved doing.

Today is the first time i’ve bothered to get on the computer. I checked in with work, and it appears to be functioning okay without me. Which is good - i don’t have to feel guilty about not being there, and can continue to just enjoy the week.

I don’t think i can remember the last time i took a full week off from work for simple relaxation. I’ve done this beach trip with the Shull family two previous times, but both times i only took a day or two off to make it a long weekend. Usually i spend my vacation on bridge tournaments, again generally for long weekends. This just feels so extremely luxurious, and i love it.

This week is also different from my own family’s vacations. I mentioned the fact that there is no pressure to perform in any way (my family does have a fair amount of that, intended or not). The biggest difference, however, is the copious amounts of alcohol. Beer and wine are consumed with gusto, and by everyone. After the first day, and we didn’t arrive until 4 pm, there was an entire trash bag filled with empty bottles. It’s pretty awesome, actually.

And now i think i’ll go sit on the deck some more, in the afternoon shade, prop up my legs and read for awhile. I’m reading a beautiful book called The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova. I’m sure i’ll be writing a review in the next couple of days.

Time left Raleigh: 8/15, 7 pm
Time back in Raleigh: 8/18, 12 noon
Total hours away from home: 60
Total hours driving: 22
Total hours playing bridge: 6
Total hours golfing: 4
Number of states we spotted license plates from: 32
(See map: green are states we first spotted on the way there, blue is in and about Columbus, pink is on the way home)

For her husband’s 40th and 50th birthdays, Lance’s mom has thrown a surprise golf tournament birthday party. So of course, she planned another one for his 60th. We decided to make the trek up to Ohio to join in the festivities. However, the tournament was Sunday at 2, and not near an airport. Thus, there were no reasonable (or reasonably priced) flights home that would me to work the next morning. So we drove.

Since we could not spoil the surprise by letting our presence be known, we had to kill time, so naturally we looked for the local bridge games. We found two - one at 1 pm and one at 7 pm. We planned to play in both.

But first, we had to get there. We left late, in no big hurry. We figured we’d just stop at a motel whenever we got tired (which wasn’t until 2:30 am that first night). It was a very chatty drive - we make very good driving companions. We talked about anything and everything it seemed, interrupting each other occasionally whenever we spotted new license plates, “ooh, there’s Arizona!” and coloring in the map (see picture). We had one scary moment when we told the GPS bitch to find us a hotel and she led us into a cornfield. “Quick! Lock the doors!” You just never know when you’ll find a cornfield cult lurking.

A leisurely morning drive revealed a few new states to color in on our map, and took us the rest of the way to Columbus, were Lance showed me around where he used to live and the places he used to hang out. We at lunch at Skyline Chili, one of his old favorites. Then it was about time for the bridge game.

The first game was a pathetic 2-table game. It was fun and we won, but the most interesting thing about it was this amazing 94-year old woman. I believe her name was Faye. They had a special table for her with low, bright lights. And she had a funny sort of hat that she wore, that lowered a magnifying glass so she could see better. She had trouble forming her words; her speech was a little slurred. The motor skills were failing a bit, but her brain was ALL there. She played very intelligently and joked and laughed with us. I was just so impressed with her. I hope i’m like her if i live to be 94.

After the game, we went to J Alexander’s, the restaurant where Lance’s sister Frith works. We had some beers (my favorite, Yuengling, hasn’t made it to Columbus yet) and some good food, and visited with Frith. Then it was off to the 2nd bridge game.

The second game more than doubled the number of tables; now we were up to 4.5. They didn’t even want to let us play at first - we are rated too highly. But, it was an “open” game, so they let us play. We scored 2nd. They were pleasant for the most part, and made us feel welcome.

After that, we went back to Frith & Will’s place for the night. Slept in a bit, and then the four of us met one of Lance’s brothers, Kevin, for breakfast at this awesome diner. By then, it was time to head to the golf place, which was about 90 minutes away. The only notable thing about that little trip was coloring in a few more states on our map.

At the golf course, we were the first ones to arrive. We got several buckets of balls for driving while we waited for others. Soon the whole gang was there, nearly 40 people. Ken (Lance’s dad) was somehow surprised, despite this being the 3rd such event held in his honor.

We played a scramble format - everyone hits a ball, then you pick the best ball. Then everyone hit their 2nd shot from that location, and you pick the best ball again. Pretty fun. Our foursome was me, Lance, Kevin and Lance’s other sister, Emily. (He is the oldest of 3 boys and 2 girls.) We had 2 pars, 6 bogeys and 1 double-bogey. I thought we did pretty well, and we would have won if the goal was to have the highest score. I posted a few of the golf pictures on my Facebook page.

Next stop was the reception, at a small church in Hillsboro, Ohio. Good food, and good company. There were pictures from Ken’s 60 years of life scattered all over the tables (what a neat idea!). We mingled, i met some of the extended family. When it was time for the cake, 5 of us worked together to try to light all 60 candles. (Tip to anyone else who has to do this in the future: light the interior candles FIRST. 59 candles create a lot of heat.) Ken blew out the candles and after that, it was 8 pm and time for us to get back on the road.

We were both getting pretty tired after a weekend of lots of driving and nonstop action. We only made it 4.5 hours that night before we knew we needed to stop. And we didn’t short ourselves on sleep either. Didn’t get on the road until 9 am. So, i didn’t get to work until after noon. But, i have cool peeps at work and they understood. Somehow i made it through the day and when i got home, i gave myself permission to flop (ie, do nothing).

It was a damn fun weekend.

Update: Kerry also went on a road trip recently and has a similar map to keep track of license plates.  I like her color-coding system better, allowing her to keep track of states seen on both legs of their trip.

I received a birthday card from my grandmother. Inside the card was a letter. It was a piece of stationary with small writing on both sides - fairly lengthy. Here is the final paragraph.

I pray, before your next birthday - before your next breath - you will turn from your self-willed life to surrender to the Power of the Holy Spirit and run to Him. God will run to you, with arms wide open & say ‘Go, prepare a party, let’s all celebrate. My daughter who was dead is now alive. She once was lost & now she’s found, & I have received her back home safe & sound. She’s forever my child!

Love, Forever,
God

Several things disturb me about this letter.

1) Notice, the letter was signed as from GOD. Grandma had a postscript that said God used her hands and pen to write this letter. Isn’t this a little presumptuous? What is to stop anyone from writing whatever they want and saying “God wrote that.” Oh wait, people do it all the time and that’s a large reason why there is war in the world, because of people’s conflicting ideas about god.

2) In the paragraph above, it implies god thinks i am dead if i do not do what she suggests. For some reason that bothers me. Like, she thinks i am not a real person.

3) At one point in the letter she reminds me that when i was a child i believed in jesus. She (or i guess, god) implied i betrayed my child self by no longer believing. Children believe what they are told by the people that they trust. Of course i believed then.

I’m not sure how, or if, to respond. Part of me really wants to open a dialog about this, but the other part of me knows it’s not possible to have a real conversation. How can we? What i want is to be loved and respected by my family for who i am. What they want is for me to be something i’m not.

Last night i dreamed that me, lance & a chic whose blog i read (whom i don’t know personally and who has nothing to do with the people involved in the dream) were all hanging out one night. In the morning, we decided to go to breakfast with my family without wearing any clothes. My family was not pleased, and we had to go change before we could join them.

I have experienced the naked dream before in other situations about which i had anxiety. This one is obviously about my anxiety about my relationship with my parents. The tension between us on the religion issue has become even more heightened in the last week since an unfortunate accident and hospitalization of one of my cousins. Now every phone call has a lot of references to the lord and how it is a miracle she is alive. And by the way, your cousin belonged to the lord so if she had died she would have gone to heaven whereas if it had been you, and you died, you would go to hell .

I think the part of the dream where we decided to go naked is symbolic of my recent decision that i should get some talk therapy to help me figure out how to assert myself in this relationship. Every other time i’ve had this dream it’s because i’ve just forgotten my clothes.

notable events from the 3-day weekend at lake keowee in south carolina with my family:

* my 5-year old cousin, who refused to ride a jet-ski with anyone other than Her Dad (who was not there), consented to ride with me.  i felt honored and trusted.  after her first ride, she wanted another ride.  and then, even after i flipped the thing while she was riding behind me, she still trusted me and wanted to ride with me again.  and she still would not ride with anyone else.  i’m not sure how i earned this sacred trust, but i’ll take it.

* the dog puked in my car on the way to the lake.  poor baby, i felt so sorry for him.  on the way home, he puked three times.  i began to feel a little less sorry for him. 
(thank you, lance, for cleaning up that mess.)

* i learned that i will never understand stereo equipment.  i cannot hook up a dvd player and/or receiver to a tv with any good results.

* i attained a severe sunburn on the tops of my feet.  and on my legs above the knees, but that is tolerable.  the burn on the feet superbly sucks, because all shoes rub them in a discomfortable manner.

* my grandmother asked me point-blank if i believed that Jesus was my savior.  this was pretty traumatic - my entire family is of the fanatical fundamentalist sect (as in, the world really is only 4000 years old), and it is simply not acceptable to believe differently.  i have spent 10 years of my life just trying to avoid talking about it.  because there is no middle ground.  there is no agree to disagree.  there is only “you must believe this or else you will burn in hell forever and won’t be in heaven with us”.  since my parents have already heard the disappointing news, i saw no need to lie to the family matriarch.  in return for my honesty, i received a sermon, with the requisite “you will be cast away to burn in hell” and finally was able to extract myself and run away.  i avoided her the rest of the weekend.

* my mother cried when it was time for me & my two brothers to leave sunday afternoon.  no matter how much time we spend, it’s never enough.  all she can see is the time we don’t choose to spend with her.  i wish she could rejoice that she has three independent children with happy lives and good relationships, who all 3 love their parents and bother to take time off work to come home and spend time with her.  but i think the part about 2/3 of us burning in hell forever always overwhelms her during goodbyes.

despite the depressing nature of the final two points, it really was a fun weekend with lots of downtime and quality time with family and love and laughter and lots of water sports and splashing and stories and bonding.