I heard from Grandma again this week. I have been anxious in the past weeks because my last letter was a bit more opinionated, and i wondered how it would be received. My first letter was basically just a diplomatic statement that we disagreed and i wanted to be left alone.
My last letter said:
- a lot of general news about life in Raleigh (fully half of my letter)
- i do not believe in miracles
- any god should be held accountable for the bad things that happen if he gets credit for the good things
- my not believing in her god is like her not believing in Zues
- i don’t believe in hell, b/c i don’t think a loving god would create a lot of people knowing that most of them would have to burn in hell forever
So, um – less diplomatic.
Grandma of course has not faltered in her faith, and that’s fine by me. Grandma’s response said:
- absolutely nothing regarding anything i’d said about my life
- god is in control of everything, but it’s ok for bad things to happen b/c god provided a way of escape through jesus
- those who’ve never heard of jesus will be judged by the 10 commandments and by their conscience
- i can’t escape the plan god has for me b/c he claimed me when i was a child
- she will not be writing to me anymore about my salvation
I have mixed reactions. I don’t want to be harrassed about my “salvation,” and i am hopeful that this means i won’t be harrassed further when i’m spending time with her in person over the holidays. But mostly i am sad. Why doesn’t she want to write anymore? I was happy at the chance to know my Grandma again. She seemed excited about it also, and said so in her third letter, so why the change of heart? Is it uncomfortable to face hard questions? She had answers for all of them, so that can’t be it. Maybe she doesn’t want to have relationships in her life with people who are sinners? I don’t know the answer, but it feels like i’m being rejected.
I thought we were getting somewhere, but i guess it wasn’t what she’d hoped for, so she’s quitting. I suppose now i’ll go back to smiling politely and ignoring the religion issue when possible, and we won’t have any more real conversations about it. When she wrote to me, she wasn’t trying to know me; she just wanted to evangelize me.
I’d hoped for more. I knew i was deluding myself, but i did – i hoped for more.
November 14th, 2008 9:47 am
I’m sorry you’re disappointed. Isn’t there some chance she’s not shutting you out, but just giving you what you asked for? I don’t understand why you would want to continue having conversations about an issue where the two of you clearly disagree. It sounds like she’s decided to stop evangelizing you (thank God, pardon the joke) – why not take that as a starting point, and mention to her (at Christmas, or in another letter) that you were excited about being back in touch with her and it hurt your feelings when she didn’t comment on any of the Raleigh/life news you included? It sounds like you do have/ have had / could have a special bond – does religion have to enter into it? I mean, I know she’s extremely religious, but maybe there’s a chance you could build a strong relationship without reference to it – it’s not like we share the same exact things with every person in our life. Whatever happens, I hope you won’t be too hurt for too long.
Congratulations on the new job lead. Good luck!
November 14th, 2008 10:12 am
Thanks for the well wishes. I think i might do as you suggest and write Grandma another letter or talk to her at Thanksgiving, to ask if we can continue to write letters that don’t have to focus around religion. I am not optimistic that she would even be able to do that, but it’s definitely worth it to me to ask.